April 2010
1 post
“Nothin like raising a child on Lynyrd Skynyrd.”
– Judge B.
March 2010
1 post
“If you drive fast enough through a toll, you’re invisible. It’s...”
– Judge B, giving a slightly-off-topic speeding lecture.
February 2010
3 posts
“You know, I’m really starting to hate PTD. I suspect there is a person...”
– Judge B, expressing his displeasure with the rigidity of the pretrial diversion program.
“Well, you’re not exactly up for the passive fellow of the century with all...”
– Judge B, to a defendant.
“How does one get a 24 inch machete in their pants? Very carefully I guess. I...”
– Judge B, in the middle of a plea to the charge of carrying a concealed weapon.
January 2010
3 posts
“Top ten reasons why men prefer guns over women.” Well, that’s...”
– Judge B, reading his e-mail in court.
“You haven’t lost a trial in this division, have you? Well I’ve just...”
– Judge B, right before my last trial. (not guilty!)
Yesssssssss.
Judge: Maybe I should apologize to that trooper (for setting a hearing).
Lady: That would be the Christian thing to do.
Judge: Well, it would be the right thing to do....
December 2009
2 posts
Jail Bait
Judge B: And are you satisfied with the services of your attorney?
Defendant: Oh she's been very good to me.
: :laughter as the entire courtroom ponders the innuendo::
“Ok computer, you win. I’ll archive my old files.
I have no idea where they...”
– Judge B, responding to a pop-up on his computer
November 2009
1 post
“Nope, nevermind. I was trying to think if you were [at a certain high school]...”
– Judge B, after hearing a client went to the same high school as his daughter.
October 2009
9 posts
“I’m fairly certain that everyone in this room considers themselves a...”
– Judge B.
Studio B
Guy walks into Courtroom B during court.
Guy: Do you know which courtroom is Judge Judy’s?
Me: …
Me: Is that a serious question?
Guy: Huh?
Me: Judge Judy.
Guy: Yeah, the tv judge.
Me: Ok…..
Guy: So this isn’t it?
Me: No.
“Today’s gonna be a good day. The automatic flush toilets are...”
– Judge B.
“Ready? Dazzle me.”
– Judge B, right before hearing argument on a motion to suppress.
Theme Revisited
“The train that brought everyone here today certainly was NOT full of rocket scientists.”
-Judge B.
Criminal Procedure 101
“The officers can put whatever they want on the police report. They could charge you with being from another planet if they wanted to, but once the state attorneys office gets the case they decide what they can legally charge you with. So that’s where that other charge came from.”
“Didn’t you want to backhand that other young lady who was waffling on the...”
– Judge B, to a women excited to get into the pretrial diversion program.
Theme of the day
After fourth person made stupid coments: Did somebody drive the dumb train here today??
Seven people later: Did you get off the same train as those other people?
Finally a smart person at arraignments: Good thing you didn't get here by train.
“See you’ve got no idea since you’re just 18. Your brain...”
– Judge B to a defendant.
September 2009
2 posts
Cheech and Chong couldn't have said it better...
Judge B: Your baby's not gonna have substance abuse problems is it?
Incarcerated Defendant: No sir!
Judge B: Well when you're in DOC on a felony drug charge, what's the world to think? Despite the saying "You don't get high on your own supply..."
“This hearing could have taken two hours if [Assistant State Attorney] would...”
– Judge B.
August 2009
17 posts
“See now I think that if you’re gonna give a false name, you should make it...”
– Judge B
(It’s like he knows I’ve been writing these down…)
“Did she say hold on? I’m not accustomed to hearing that outside the...”
– Judge B
High Hopes.
Judge B: Well you're gonna have to give up your dream of having a driver's license because they're going to suspend it for 5 years... Can I crush any more of your hopes and dreams?
Defendant: It's ok.
Judge B: You're probably not gonna be president either, huh?
“Hunger is a real motivator isn’t it? That’s why some people resort...”
– Judge B, after a defendant told him he had to drive on a suspended license because his kids were hungry.
Startin early
Judge B: "Have you ever heard of Teen Court?"
16-year-old Defendant: "No."
Judge B: "Well do you have any priors?"
Defendant: ::Chuckles:: "Yeah."
Judge B: "Oh. So you've already begun your life of crime. A budding career criminal we have here..."
“Not you Mr. ________, you’re pretty much furniture right now.”
– Judge B
“You’d be hardpressed to find an attorney who loves to hear his own voice...”
– Judge B.
Yes, I realize it’s funnier when you know who he’s talking about, but still a goodun.
“Well I usually anticipate us finishing before 4pm, but since we’re getting...”
– Judge B, to the jury.
(mostly paraphrased from memory but “encompass you in my bubble of worry” is a direct quote)
“So the question is, “In your training and experience, have you learned...”
– Judge B, ruling on an objection to a question asked of a police officer.
“Well your domestic violence record won’t get you on the cover of Vanity...”
– Judge B
“I want to be personally responsible for the next time Tweeter goes down…...”
– Judge B
“Do you want to archive your old files now?” Why would I want to do that? ...”
– Judge B, upon reading a pop up error on his computer.
“Your attorney is the only thing keeping me from losing all faith in your...”
– Judge B
“Sir, you are alone now… Rudderless in an ocean fraught with danger.”
– Judge B, after granting the PD’s motion to withdraw upon the client’s insistence he represent himself.
Cold Feet?
Wife-to-be: Where do we go to get a marriage license?
Info Desk Worker: Third floor. But they may be closed for lunch already.
Husband-to-be: Closed? Oh well I guess we'd better go home then...
“I will accept your plea of no contest. I find that you are alert and...”
– Judge B
Harsh.
Judge: Why are you pleaing if you think you aren't guilty?
Client: Well I know that 90% of the time you lose.
Judge: Oh please. The State Attorneys in this courtroom haven't won a trial in so long they don't even remember what that feels like.